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The Weekend Update: Odor Did A Dumb Thing, Gibbers Hates NSYNC, No Baseball in Buffalo and more...

April 8, 2018

 

This is the first edition of this young season’s 'Weekend Update', and it’s going to be the greatest thing that you will read all day - seriously.  Okay, probably not, but anywho...

 

I’m sure you noticed the great shot of vintage Chevy Chase that I’m using for this series and that’s because I am totally ripping off SNL’s “Weekend Update”, but what I’m going to do is examine everything super important that has been happening in Blue Jays land. 

 

So, let’s dive into the biggest headlines of the week...

 

***

 

Rougned Odor Still Hates The Blue Jays And Did A Thing

 

I know that sometimes I am a bit vulgar on the site and let out the odd cuss, but I’m trying to pull back on that kind of effing language - to be honest. Now, one thing I’ve never quite understood though is the whole crotch grab thing. I don’t even really get the primitive message behind the action either. What does this 'broesque' gesture even mean?

 

I guess it's kind of like giving the middle finger or something -I dunno… Anyway, big Canadian thumbs up to Odor. Maybe someone should remind him that last year he hit .204 and was worth an ugly 61 wRC+ - just sayin'.

 

John Gibbons Does Not Like NSYNC

 

 

John Gibbons’ heart was all torn up by the loud music of this late nineties boy band that had all the girls screaming during the tail end of that decade. I can’t help but try to imagine what ol’ Gibbers’ inner monologue was while Justin Timberlake's 

pop group pounded loudly through the clubhouse. I’m going to guess something like this:

 

“Damn it this music is loud. Real loud. Heck, even the chickens under the porch know this ain’t real good music. Gonna be a long season of this kind of noise. I wonder if it's in the budget to soundproof my office. Gonna have to ask Mark. This garbage is about as confused as a goat on Astro Turf, I tell ya. I miss Buehrle. Mark knows what good music is… ha, yup, what’s wrong with a lil’ country? Maybe some Alan Jackson? Little Bitty? Now, that’s music. But, nope… I have to listen to this ol’ hot mess and it’s about as dumb as the dirt in my boys cleats. Yup. They better play better than this music, or it’s gonna be a long season.”

 

Diaz And Solarte Can Hit And Play Defence

 

 

Anyway, moving on…

 

The Blue Jays Are Over .500

 

 

2017 wasn’t very much fun. 2017 was a terrible horror story. 2017 was a nightmare. 2017 is long over…

 

 

And this year the Blue Jays might actually be good. I wrote a bit about this over at Blue Jays Nation -which is my home away from home - and FanGraphs has the Blue Jays projected to win enough games to punch their ticket into the Wild Card game this year.

 

And sure the good Birds of Summer would probably end up playing dumb New York or Boston in that game, but maybe they could surprise us all.

 

Now, I know it’s incredibly early and there is no reason to plan a dumb parade down Yonge Street – or anything, but it’s fair to say that the Blue Jays are not going to repeat last year’s poor AF April act.

 

Will Kevin Pillar Steal Your Heart?

 

 

Pillar stole home against the dumb Yankees and it was kind of are-you-kidding-me awesome. But, can Pillar steal our hearts? Can Pillar make all of us non-Pillar believers, believe? Has Pillar actually figured out how to hit? 

 

Either way, he is probably nearing the end of his time in Toronto with a certain *ALFORD* prospect developing his skills in Buffalo.

 

 

Last year, Pillar hit .256, had an OBP of .300, was worth a big millennial sigh 85 wRC+, and ended the year worth 1.9 WAR, but maybe this year he has something up his Pillar sleeve. Maybe...

 

 

Now, I don’t expect Pillar to put up offensive numbers like Mike Trout or Charlie Blackmon or anything, but he has been notoriously pretty bad at the plate. So, let’s see if he has figured out how not to swing at everything. Maybe he has, or maybe...

 

Say It Ain’t So, Buffalo!

 

 

The Buffalo Bisons are still waiting to play their first game of the season because the weather has been cold, gross, and anything but spring-like… ugh. This weather has pretty much been about as bad as a bad hangover that just kind of hangs and hangs and hangs around. So, how about...

 

A Letter To Mother Nature

 

 

Dear Mother Nature,

 

I understand that you’re always going to do your thing and that us humans haven’t been very good to you at all. But, baseball season has started and it’s very confusing for a lot of us fans because it feels like it’s still February. 

 

I try my best to leave a minimal carbon footprint. I use the TTC, I walk everywhere, recycle, cycle, don’t use plastic bags and all that stuff. And many of us people are actually on your team and respect you - sincerely.

 

So, maybe you can somehow provide better weather so that baseball games can be played or something.

 

Let's Not Ever Forget Justin Smoak Turned David Robertson Into A Slinky

 

 

***

 

And that’s your Weekend Update  - or round up - or whatever. And remember this: if you can’t tweet it, don’t say it, but why tweet it anyway because who really cares … 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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