It’s ‘bold Blue Jays prediction season’, as so many Blue Jays writers out there in the Blue Jays internet hemisphere have made their mother effing predictions for 2018. It’s been one bold prediction after the other and I’m sort of feeling bolded out, but fuck it, I’m going to get in on this shit because it’s fun.
Now, I decided to dive into the numbers (not really) and gather as much information as possible to set the bold prediction record straight, but let’s remember one thing people: we all know that predictions are spit in the can.
And if you’re wondering what the hell that even means, it means that predictions are about as useful as an old guy named Jimmy, who sits on the front porch of his house, spitting into a can because his ol’ lady is tired of cleaning up the mess on the porch… Huh? Exactly. But, let’s spit some ideas out there anyway.
So, usually for this kind of stuff, I like to dig up my crystal ball, given to me by my great aunt, who got it from Rance Mulliniks’ old Slovenian barber, but this time I decided to do things a bit differently.
I went foot cruising along Queen St. West in search of the old Jamaican lady who sets up her Tarot Card table in front of the Black Bull bar, but she was nowhere to be found – probably because it’s still kind of winter cold outside.
I then decided to keep heading west to see if I could find a cool psychic, but to no effing avail. I wandered into Kensington Market, where I saw a fluorescent fortune teller sign in the window of an old house with Hebrew letters on it – Kensington Market used to be an old Jewish neighbourhood and market, in case you didn’t know. I love Jewish Deli’s…better than Italian Deli’s and my old man is from the boot. Anyway, moving on...
So, I walked up the stairs, which led to this creepy hallway that was lit with candles, as some sort of eerie violin music filled the air. I went into the back room, where I met Olga, who makes the boldest of predictions, which all come true.
She asked me why I was there and I told her that I was a lame Blue Jays blogger and needed to get the inside scoop on what will happen this season. Here’s what she had to say…
Vladdy Jr. Jerseys Will Be The New Cool Thing
Olga told me that all the cool kids are going to go out and get themselves a big, bad Vlad jersey. After last night’s are-you-kidding-me story book ending in Montreal – just when you thought the hype couldn’t get any more hyped – the shit got more hyped. The Vladdy hype is not going away - it’s mother effing here to stay.
Ryan Goins and Darwin Barney Will Not Have 1 At-Bat This Season As Blue Jays
And thank the good lord in the sky for this folks, and don’t forget that this is a fact. Neither of these two fan favourites is going to have a single at-bat as a Blue Jay.
Last season, Ryan Goins had 459-plate appearance, hit .237, managed to attain a dazzling wRC+ 69, and was worth a big minus .3 WAR…ugh. And Darwin Barney had 362 PA, hit .232, grinded out some kind of wRC+ 58, and was worth big minus .6 WAR.
Collectively these two fan favourites stood in the batter's box 821 times last season, hit a woeful .234, earned a wRC+ 63.5, and accumulated a big bad minus .5 WAR… woof.
So, if you’re shitting on the front-office for acquiring Diaz, Solarte, Ngoepe, and Espinosa, that’s a shitty thing to do because a combination of any of these four guys – and throw in Urena – will contribute more than Goins and Barney did last season, especially since the Tulo tale seems to be heading to the 60-Day DL…sigh.
Marcus Stroman Will Make People In The Toronto Media Very Angry
I hope it’s Rosie DiManno – or Cathal Kelly.
Kendrys Morales Will Not Steal Second Base
Kendrys Morales will not steal second base, but he will rock some badass glasses, which will hopefully help him improve from last years disappointing season at the plate.
Josh Donaldson Is The Most Valuable Player On The Team
The value of Josh Donaldson for the success of the 2018 season is kind of scary to think about because the offense hinges on the Bringer of Rain. If Donaldson starts the season slow (which he might, considering he hasn’t had too many plate appearances this spring training), the offence will suffer as well.
If you remove JDs bat and presence from the lineup, things could get really ugly really fast because not too many Blue Jays cleats will touch home plate. And if cleats don’t touch home plate, runs don’t score. And if runs don’t score, the Blue Jays don’t win games.
So, Josh Donaldson is a very important player to this team and if he isn’t in the lineup, the Blue Jays could be a team that fights it out for last place because they won’t be able to score runs.
Marco Estrada Will Flirt With A No-Hitter
Pablo effing Picasso is going to flirt with a no-no against the shitty Rays. Actually, he is going to get a no-no against the Rays at The Trop.
Side note: You should’ve seen my face when Olga told me this fun little prediction. She held the cards to her face, slowly placed them on the table, and read me the signs… soon it will be Marco Estrada time.
John Gibbons Will Get Ejected More Than Last Season Thanks To His New Glasses
If you think ol’ Gibbers got ejected a lot last year, just wait for this season. With his improved vision, the good skip is going to see just how shitty the umpiring can be in the MLB and he is going to get tossed a bunch more times now.
Olga also told me that he would switch to contact lenses in May, hate them, and then return to the specs.
Aaron Sanchez Will Pitch In The All-Star Game
Sanchez is going to return to 2016 form, which means the Blue Jays have added an ace this offseason. He is going to hurl in the all-star game and come third in Cy Young voting.
And if Sanchez pitches like the natural ace that he is, the Blue Jays are going to be much better than a lot of fickle fans out there believe. And if Josh Donaldson is healthy and hits like he can, holy fuck people, this team might actually be really good.
Buck Martinez Will Call A Streaker A Knucklehead
Olga told me that a fan will streak across the field at the place we all call Dome and Buck Martinez will call this dodo a knucklehead.
Pat Tabler Will Make Bad Dad Jokes
And he already has, ‘Gift is very gifted.’ Badum tish…sigh.
Devon Travis Will Play In The All-Star Game And Mash All Season
When Olga said this, it made me very happy.
Kevin Pillar Will Try His Best Not To Fall 0 – 2 In The Count So Quickly
He will try.
The Buffalo Bisons Will Provide Valuable Depth
Depth might not be a sexy thing at all, but it sure as shit is valuable to have as we all learned from the woeful season of ‘17. Teoscar and Alford (when he returns from his shitty injury) will be called up when Pearce tweaks something as he tries his best to chase down a routine fly ball.
And with former first round Blue Jays draft pick Deck McGuire in AAA (wouldn’t it be cool AF if he could figure it out,) Biagini, Borucki (if he’s up with the Bisons,) and Gurrieri, the Blue Jays have quality pitching options down in Buffalo, who should be able to pitch some decent innings for Pete Walker when needed this year. There will be no more Mat Latos meatballs. No. More. Mat. Latos.
The Toronto Blue Jays Will Play In The Wild Card Game
I would like to thank Olga for offering me such great insight into what will happen this season. I hope that you enjoyed this whatever-the-fuck this was, and even though predictions are really just fun nonsense, the best part about prediction season is that baseball is fucking back.