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A Trailer Park Hijack Of Gregor Chisholm's Inbox

January 5, 2018

 

So it is really slow in Blue Jays land right now, and it is really cold outside, as well. It’s January, it’s bleak, and it’s here. The same ol’ writers out there are trying to produce some content to quench your thirst and most of it is pretty meh if you ask me. I can only read about the best prospects in the system so many times a week, and, even worse: far-fetched trade ideas.

 

Ugh, there is nothing better than no baseball, arctic air that eats your face while walking down the street, and weather systems called ‘cyclone bomb’, ‘shitty snow storm’, and ‘cold as balls’, as well. We are in the middle of the shit storm called no baseball, and, to be as poetic as I can be with my prose: it sucks.


Now, over here at Jays Droppings we don’t want to think up bogus ideas for clicks, so we just kind of bang the drum slowly to our own beat. So the other day Gregor Chisholm answered some Blue Jays questions, and I read some of them and then decided to contact my good friend Ricky from the Trailer Park Boys to see if he could shed some baseball light on y’all.

 

Ricky was a couple sheets to the wind when I contacted him, but he told me that he would be willing to help me out. So I called him up late last night, put him on speakerphone, and asked him some of these bird questions, and recorded our conversation.

 

So let’s get down to the ol’ dirty and jump in to Chisholm’s inbox because you gotta learn stuff through denial and error.

 

***

 

I know that the market has been slow, but don't you think there is a possibility that the front office is holding out for a bargain? Everybody is waiting for big moves, but is it possible they only make minor moves, unless a bargain comes to them?
-- Marty W.

 

Ricky: I’m not the biggest apple in the bunch, but there is no barn in the MLB that has bargains. I dunno, you could always try to steal someone from someone or somethin’ through some sort of trade, but you’re not gonna be able to buy 3-packs of smokes for $9.00 anymore that’s for sure. Just come to turns with it, the Blue Jays FO are going to spread out the 20 – 25 million they have to spend on some unsexy second tier shit puppets.

 

I've seen talk of using Devon Travis at second base and the outfield. Same for Aledmys Diaz, and Joe Biagini's role is not clear. Is there some kind of advantage in this uncertainty or does it reflect a lack of direction?
-- Patrick B., Halifax, Nova Scotia

 

Ricky: I once used a hockey stick and a sheet to make a tent when I went to Woodstock ’99, and it worked out just fine. Now, I know that I’m an optometrist and all, so I always see the Tall Can half full, and as long as the flames aren’t golfing, I say let the sail make a direction that goes North, South, East, and Best. The direction is there, you just have to make sure you don’t catch the winds of shit.

 

Is there any scenario in which we could dump Kendrys Morales' contract and get rid of Troy Tulowitzki? We need to retool, but with those albatross contracts, I believe it greatly hinders our ability to do so.
-- Mike R., Toronto

 

Ricky: Where in the fuck is Randy’s barbeque?

 

Me: You didn’t answer the question, Ricky.

 

Ricky: Well, it’d be nice to get two birds stoned at once, but it’s not that easy finding the stones to do it, especially if you’re in the dessert.

 

Me: I think you mean desert?

 

Ricky: That’s what I said.

 

Marcus Stroman led the league in ground-ball percentage; infield defense will be needed to make him an ace. Since it'll help other pitchers, too, should that be more of a priority?
-- Kozak D., London, Ontario

 

Ricky:

 

(There was a very long pause, I heard him banging around in the kitchen – I think, so I interrupted.)

 

Me: Ricky?

 

Ricky: This is pretty dumb question.

 

Me: Why?

 

Ricky:

 

(He continued to bang around a bit, I heard him cuss a few times, and then he started to hum the main riff of Rush's Tom Sawyer, so I decided to ask him the next question.)

 

How likely is it that the Blue Jays will sign Lorenzo Cain? Will Danny Jansen make the team out of Spring Training?
-- Brooke H.

 

Ricky: How likely is it that I’m gonna get my GED? Listen, I hate to say atodaso, but I fuckin' atodaso. One think I do know is that Jansen will be a Blue Jay, but it just might take some time for him and all the Alford’s, and Teoscar’s to be ready to bake their MLB pies and eat ‘em, too. I know I haven’t done a good job paving my pint, but Cain won’t be a Blue Jay and Jansen will probably be a Bison in April.

 

(Ed. I think ‘atodaso’ is ‘I told you so’ and I think ‘paving my pint’ is’ proving my point’. Also, I had a very hard time transcribing this conversation because his pronunciation is piss-poor, but I did my best.)
 

Travis is a potential .300 hitter but can't stay on the field due to health issues. Why not make him a full-time DH? He's perfect.
-- Ron, Nanaimo, British Columbia

 

Ricky: Ron this isn’t the sharpest idea to come from the shed now, is it? Look man, I know I’m not that good in speaking and shit, but when I say things I know what I’m talkin’ about. This idea is a whole different kettle and dish if ya understand what I’m sayin’, but this isn’t the kettle of fish that any big fish will kettle. He’s perfect, but your idea isn’t. It was a good try.

 

***

 

And that concludes Ricky’s hijack of Chisholm’s box, and I would like to apologize for some of the heavy ‘Rickyisms’ in his answers, but I had to stay true to what he actually said.

 

Worst case Ontario, you didn’t understand some of it and that’s fine because, I’m not sure that he really knows what he is talking about anyway. 

 

I just hope that you enjoyed the five minutes of your life that you wasted reading this piece because I wrote it to amuse you and somewhat entertain you, as you push on in this shitty January.

 

And remember this: They say that there is no such thing as a dumb question, but that is a lie – some questions are pretty bat-flippin’ dumb.

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