A Holiday Letter To Blue Jays Fans From John Gibbons
It’s ol’ Gibbers here and we sure haven’t chawed the ol’ rag in awhile. Now, sure’nuff y’all are feelin’ tuckered out from all the hustle from the right quick last minute bargain shoppin’ and hootin’ and hollerin’ to get yourself ready for another Christmas Day.
And if y’all are like me, then this sure ain’t your first holiday rodeo. I don’t usually have to do too much to get ready for the jugging and jawing turkey eating festivities because my smart as a hooty owl and pretty as a pie supper wife takes care of a lot of that sort of stuff around this ol’ cowboy’s ranch – she just loves it, and I love the smell of her apple pies bakin’ in the oven that creates tastes from the hallelujah heavens.
Now, when it comes to shoppin’, I just like to go to the sweeter than stolen honey Amazon Prime to get all that done. And I do it all with the click of a finger like I was John Wayne cleanin’ up a mess in a hillbilly tavern full of misfits. If I was any faster, ol’ Gibbers would catch up to yesterday – that’s for damn sure y’all. I’ve got the fastest click finger in the west.
So I’m sittin’ here at my desk, in my ranch, in the great state of Texas, typing up this lovely Holiday letter to every Blue Jays fan out there in the great country of Canada. And I wanna tell ya that it’s a damn honor being your skip, and thanks for making me feel as welcome as maple syrup on a good ol’ diner table.
All y’all Blue Jays fans are as fine as sizzlin’ bacon and don’t ya forget it, and the Gibbons family sure hopes that your holiday birds will be smothered in some good ol’ fashion hot cream gravy.
I know up in Canada it’s as cold as an ex-wife’s heart, and those minus temperatures are hog-killing weather, so y’all be good to one another and keep warm with a good glass of bourbon.
Sure’nuff your good boys of summer will be back at the place y’all call ‘Dome’ and y’all will be hootin’ and hollerin’, as we try to beat the tough as whang and rough as cob Red Sox and Yankees next season.
And don’t y’all worry about Showalter and his ninny Birds, I promise ya that we’ll make sure to foul some balls that will hit the horns that hold up Showalter’s cotton-headed ninny-muggins sourpuss Baltimore halo.
It’s no secret that Showalter is as friendly as a bramble bush - or a vegan at a steak house. And I look forward to watching our boys throw their hats over their windmill – if ya get what I’m sayin'.
Now, I just want to take a few more seconds of your time and wish y’all the very best in the New Year, too. I sure hope that whatever goals you have in mind, you attain them through some good ol’ hard work and grind.
My best advice to y’all is to laugh at your fears because then you’ll become fearless. And remember not to care about what any other ol’ hen or gobbler thinks about ya. If they’re too cool, they’re not cool at all – chew on that nickel steak if you’re the type of person who smells more like vinegar than honey.
And remember this, it’s whatever greases your wagon, and bacon greases mine and that’s why I love a good ol’ howdy and smile.
So all the best to y’all, have a safe and fun holiday, and remember if you’re not gonna be good, be careful. As for all the know-it-alls out there, ya don’t know anything, so good luck fixin’ the big hole in your fence, ya bunch of wagon wheel watermelons.
For the rest of ya, don’t stop sizzlin’, and always be the tastiest piece of bacon in the damn frying pan. Thanks for readin’ Jays Droppings this year, there are more rants, jokes, and thought pieces coming next year for y’all to read, too.
And remember this: If you keep your eye on the ball, it will never hit you in the face.
- Happy Holidays all you hosers, eh!
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