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A Jim Lahey Blue Jays Guide For Answering Shitty Questions

October 18, 2017

 

So I’m sitting here on a beautiful beach in Cuba with my laptop, staring out at the luscious cerulean ocean waters and golden sand on my vacation. In this moment, I am sipping a rum punch, maybe my fourth of the afternoon, I dunno at this point. But I found out about the death of John Dunsworth yesterday, who had all of us laughing throughout the years, and it saddens me because he is Canadian Jim ‘shitism’ Lahey awesome. 

 

And earlier this morning, the news of Gord Downie’s death came and it has made the heart a little heavy too (I’m sure for many of us), so if I can think of how I could pay tribute in a creative way to say thank you to the hippest Canadian that tragically left us all too young, I most certainly will. But one thing for sure is later tonight I will have some more of this rum punch from heaven, put my hands in the ocean. My feet back up on the banks, look up to the Lord above, and say, “hey man, thanks.”

 

So I spent last night getting savagely drunk on the rum thinking about how I could possibly pay respect to Mr. Dunsworth and his comedic genius, somehow, and in someway, but I wasn’t sure just how. I was on the beach sipping and kind of thinking, but mostly drifting when the rum finally hit and a shit tornado of thoughts came to me.

 

And since we all know that some of the Toronto media ask dumbass dipshit questions in the Blue Jays’ scrum, I figure that maybe some of the Birds next season could answer some of these inquiring minds with some good ol’ fashion Jim Lahey shitisms, right?

 

As we all know, Marcus Stroman is not a huge fan of the Toronto media, as he has been pretty expressive about this through his tweets, especially of late - don't you think, Gregg dinosaur Zaun? Anyway, moving on …

 

Now, if Stroman and the boys are in the scrum next season and they are asked Rosie DiManno style questions, they could step outside of the McCain’s microwave dinner answers and make things deliciously entertaining, am I right?

 

So let’s just get down to the shit that the Blue Jays could say, Mr. Lahey style, next year in the dumb scrum.

 

***

 

Questions for Stroman

 

Q: What were you saying to the hitter after he stepped out of the box?

 

A: When the shitballs start flying, you’ve got to get a shitbat.

 

Q: Do you think your actions on the mound are appropriate?

 

A: Like shit and strawberry shortcake, Rosie.

 

Questions for Gibbers

 

Q: Do you think the team will start hitting again?

 

A: We’re about to sail into a shit typhoon, so we’d better haul in the jib before it gets covered in shit.

 

Q: What did you think of the umpires tonight?

 

A: They’re shit flowers, from where I stand they look like regular flowers, but when you get down and poke your nose in them you realize they’re shit flowers, and there’s a whole fucking bouquet of them.

 

Q: What are you going to say to these guys after tonight’s loss?

 

A: You idiots have loaded up a hair-triggered double-barreled shit machine gun, and the barrel’s pointed right at your own heads!

 

General questions

 

Q: It seems like you are seeing the ball better, have you made any adjustments at the plate?

 

A: Shit tectonics - do you know what happens what two shit plates collide? Shitquake. 

 

Q: (For a pitcher) How do you mentally and physically prepare before each start?

 

A: You feel that? The way the shit just sticks to the air? There’s a shit-blizzard comin, I always know

 

Q: How do you feel about playing at the Trop?

 

A: You just opened up Pandora’s shit-box.

 

Q: Do you believe that you guys can turn this thing around?

 

A: Birds of a shitfeather flock together

 

Q: Can you explain your recent struggles at the plate?

 

A: Do you know what a shit-barometer is? It measures the shit-pressure in the air, listen, you hear that? The sounds of the whispering winds of shit.

 

***

 

So there you have some possible Mr. Lahey 'shitism' answers for all the shitty shit questions that our Toronto Blue Jays have to listen and respond to day-in-and-day-out during the season.

 

Thank you, John Dunsworth, for all the laughs. You are a proper legend.

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