… And what you are about to read folks is the second edition of the “Weekly Update”. Will it be weekly? Hmm. Who knows? It could be biweekly – or some kind of weekly, but I will try to do my best to toss up a couple of these every now and then. I’m sure you’ve noticed the great shot of Chevy Chase that I’m using for this series and that’s because I am ripping off SNL’s “Weekend Update”, but what I’m going to do is take some major Blue Jays headlines and briefly break down what in the hell is going on in the world of da Birds – Bill Swerski? Super Fans? Any heart attacks? I had one, had a couple. No? Okay, moving on …
So let’s jump into the big headlines of the week, as Blue Jays land has been full of some real doozies.
Brett Anderson and Cherry Bombs
Remember these? I sure do. There was nothing better than your one friend who would go vacationing somewhere in the States and buy a shit load of these bad boys to light up in the park after school. I wonder if kids these days do that, hmmm? Probably not - I'm sure there is an app where you pretend to do it. The M-80 Salutes were the best. We would tape them to a baseball, light it, and then throw the ball to see what happens. The baseball lived. Anyway ...
... Mr. Anderson had a hard time on the ol’ dirt hill and a lot of footage has been released of him taking it out on his ball cap in the dugout. And why the hell not - I’ve broken a few goalie sticks in my day during intermission when I played like dogshit too.
A shitty outing is the nature of the game, but you have to admire the passion that Mr. Anderson has, don’t you? Rumour has it that after he was finished ripping up his hat, he went back into the clubhouse, put it in a trash bin with a lit pack of cherry bombs to take care of the problem once and for all. This is not a true story, but it’d be cool if it was. Don’t worry Brett, you’re (as the millennials would text) cool AF – go get ‘em next time.
Marcus Stroman Don’t Need No Cactus
(this is a double negative and not proper grammar but who cares)
Some dipshit bouncer made sure to make his presence felt by denying Marcus Stroman and his pals from eating some damn food. I’m sure he’s looking for a new job right now, as he brags about it to his friends at some douche bag fitness clubs full of grunting men who stare at themselves in the mirror while lifting the big bad weights.
I’ve been denied into many bars in Toronto, but that was because I thought it would be a good idea to try to get in, even though I was about one hundred sheets to the wind. I think it happens often, but I can’t remember. Those are the nights where I usually wake up in the morning with a half eaten bag of A & W beside me, okay – I’m lying, it’s fully eaten. Yup, all of it – the poutine, the double teen burger, and the onion rings. Savage. Yes. I. Am.
Marcus you’re cool, and the Cactus is lame, and that bouncer is a dodo head.
Glove To The Face, Get The Sign, Marco 1-Year Contract
And, of course, the Toronto FO were going to do this, right? I kind of knew it all along because why the hell wouldn’t they. The funny thing is that I remember at the trade deadline a couple Blue Jays bloggers writing about how they should trade him, and now they are writing about how it makes sense that they signed him – of course, they would.
People have been on-again-and-off-again shitting on Estrada all season, and that’s fine, these people shit on everything, and that’s just not proper etiquette. There is only one place to take care of that business, and it’s not in the back alley of Chinatown that’s for sure, but the Internet is kind of like the back alley in Chinatown, so there’s that. Wait. What does that even mean? Okay, moving on ...
Marco Estrada is awesome and I can’t wait to watch the glove to the face and get the sign time in 2018. Thanks ShapIro and Atkins. And remember this - be careful where you step if you’re walking in the back alley of Chinatown, ya just never know.
People Think That Toronto Should Trade Josh Donaldson
During The Offseason
It’s true people think that Toronto should trade Josh Donaldson during the offseason. People think that Toronto should trade Josh Donaldson during the offseason. Toronto should trade Josh Donaldson during the offseason.
A little repetition to add to the big millennial wtf are you going on about? Why the hell would the Toronto FO deal JD during the offseason? That makes absolutely no sense at all. Even the drunk hobo at Queen and Yonge who looked at my Blue Jays hat the other day and yelled something at me that sounded like, 'I like the Blue Jays chances this year' - wouldn’t trade JD in the offseason. And Mark ShapIro went on record pretty much saying that too. Why? Because Mark ShapIro is fucking awesome and you better start believing it.
Now if the team is ten games out of a Wild Card spot come mid-July next year and you want to start back up with that noise, sure – go for it, but until then – simmer down. But that being said, the FO should just extend him a 5-year deal and keep him in Toronto because he’s one of the best ballplayers in the game. And don’t give me the 'he’s in his early thirties decline' talk, because he’s many moons away from that decline day. I will continue this rant next week in a full on piece.
If This Is It …
... thank you.
And that’s your weekly Blue Jays update - or round up - or something. Before you go, I will leave you with this - if you can’t tweet it, don’t say it, but why tweet it anyway because no one really cares … Really - it's true.