Dear Toronto Blue Jays Fans,
Hey y’all, it’s me, ol’ Gibbers. Now, I know we’ve all howdied, but we haven’t shook, so I say let’s chaw the rag here again.
So a lot of people have been hootin’ and hollerin’ all season long about roasting Mark Shapiro and Ross Atkins like a pig on a spit, and, I think, that the people who say this probably think that a seven-course meal is a possum and a six-pack. Personally, I’d take the pig on a spit with a beer, and leave the possum on the road.
Now, I’m not sure if y’all realize that there is this team down in Cleveland that just set the modern day MLB record with its 22nd straight win. And Lord have mercy, believe me, I know how hard it is to get going on a win streak in the big leagues. It’s about as difficult as trying to bag flies. And darn tootin’ that’s not an easy thing to do.
This team in Cleveland is hotter than a fur coat in Marfa, and if y’all Canadians don’t know where Marfa is, it’s a city in the high desert of the Trans-Pecos in far West Texas. I love Marfa. I shot my first armadillo there.
Now, what this team in Cleveland accomplished is historic, and it is a modern day MLB record that’s going to hang around like rats in a back alley in Chinatown. To put this into perspective for y’all, there was this class act ball player in the 1940’s who hit in 56 consecutive games, and to this day that record still stands. And the team that Mark Shapiro built just set a record that is just as impressive. It’s almost as impressive as John Candy eating that 96er in The Great Outdoors.
That’s right folks, Mark Shapiro built this Cleveland team. So for any of you bozos who think that he should be fired, well, even the chickens under the porch know that’s about as dumb as saying that Miles Davis is alive and playing in a brass band at the Rex. And I’ve been to the Rex, fun bar, and ol’ Gibbers loves a little jazz – bet y’all didn’t know that. It’s true.
Anyway, if you do think that Shapiro should be fired, you don’t know nothing from nothing, and, believe me, that’s something. And another thing since I’m addressing this fire Shapiro/Shapiro sucks hooey. Whoever in the hell coined the expression ‘Shatkins’ deserves a good ol’ fashion punch to the nose because that’s the dumbest shit that this ol’ skip has ever heard. And it’s not clever, it’s just about as stupid as a prairie dog in heat on a cold winter day in Calgary – whatever the hell that means – some person from Alberta told me that one, and I’m still tryin’ to figure it out.
So here’s a message to all you Blue Jays fans that have said or typed ‘shatkins’, I wouldn’t do it, unless you want to look stupid. And who wants to look stupid? I’d just soon bite a bug. Now ol’ Gibbers knows not everyone can be as smart as a brazen monkey who steals food from people on the street, but at least you could pretend to be.
And I know things have been tough for us this season, but that doesn’t give you the right to shit all over everything. My motto is have a little class, go to the bathroom, and close the door. And always remember to wash your hands too.
So 2017 didn’t work out for us this year, and it’s okay, it’s the way she goes sometimes in this baseball thing we’re apart of. In a long season, your team needs to stay healthy, be tough as whang, and lucky enough to draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.
There sure are a lot of important ingredients that have to go into the crock-pot and slow cook all season long for it to come out right – just like my wife’s chili. It's really hard to say if the best baseball team wins the World Series year-after-year because sometimes that’s not the case. It’s all timing, just like a good piece steak on the BBQ.
I can’t explain how the 1969 Pirates were outscored 52 – 26 by the Yankees, but won the World Series in seven games. It’s just the baseball way sometimes.
So stop all these ninny cries and don’t just sip your wine. There is always tomorrow and the next to make things right again. Mark Shapiro and Ross Atkins are good, smart baseball men who have all the best intentions for your baseball team. Heck, just look at what is happening in Cleveland because that’s going to happen here in Toronto too. And best believe I’m gonna stick around and manage us to that 3rd World Series that this great country deserves.
So be fat and sassy, cook on a front burner today, and make the bacon sizzle. Life’s short and bacon can be sweet as long as you’re not afraid of a little maple syrup.
John Gibbons the greatest manager in Blue Jays history.