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Another Letter to the Trash O's: Take Off, You Hosers!

September 1, 2017

 

 

Dear Baltimore,

 

Howdie neighbour, it’s your good hoser friend from the North, eh! So I bet you folks down in Baltimore have a real hope that you will get that 2nd Wild Card spot, right?

 

What are you now about 2.5 games back from the shitty Twins? Not too bad, not too bad at all, but your team is trash and they will always be trash. And that’s the honest Jesus Murphy truth.

 

And it’s with great pleasure that I type this letter just to simply remind you of this ineluctable fact, eh! Now, I know the good Birds of Toronto might not have had the season that was expected by all of us Canadians up here in the greatest country in the world, but, at least, we can help spoil it all for you.

 

It was really great to watch Morales last night turn Buck Showalter’s face sourer than any puss could ever possibly imagine. It’s always bat flipping fun to see that Showalter sulk! Always, for sure, eh! He’s certainly not a popular arse up here in the Great White and you can bet your backbacon on that one.

 

Actually, when I get to thinking about it. I’m not sure whose face is worse -Showalter’s or John Farrell’s. Personally, I think, they both aren’t worth a timbit … Jesus Murphy, I’m sorry if I’m being so darn harsh here, but I’m just being honest, eh!

 

You see sometimes when I’m in a good mood and Tim Hortons is doing their ‘roll up the rim to win’, I will give my free donut to any hoser as a nice gesture because I am Canadian, eh! But even on my best day where my heart is warmer than a nuns intentions, I still wouldn’t give my free doughnut to those two hosers even if they were on pogie too – and you can bet your toonie on that one, eh!

 

So I sure hope to shit that the good Birds continue to do anything to spoil whatever Wild Card hope that you folks have and darn tootin’ – that’s the truth. Because it sure isn’t 1983 anymore Baltimore. The Eddie Murray and Cal Ripken days are long over and there’s not a Mike Schmidt thing you can do about it.

 

Well, the way I see it, you probably owe the Blue Jays a thank you because there’s nothing worse in life than a false hope for the intangible dream. Sometimes reality is a cold puck to the face with a piss warm beer to follow and that’s the fuckin’ way she goes, boys. The way she goes.

 

Worst case Ontario for all you Trash Birds fans is that you get the 2nd Wild Card spot and then lose like you did last year. That sure would suck, eh! Now, that’s shittier than a soaker on a cold winter day.

 

Your team isn’t going to win the World Series this year or next, or in the next five, or ten … actually, maybe never again. The truth is you probably should just fold the franchise and move to Montreal. Dan Duquette knows it’s a better city than Baltimore, that’s for sure, eh!

 

Well, I guess this might be my last letter to you for the season. September is calling and I’m taking my F-150 up to Perry Sound this weekend to suck back a couple brewskis and fish. This won’t be the last time you here from this hoser, so good luck sucking all the way.

 

And one final thing: Jose Bautista is a fucking legend, eh! God love ‘em – suck on that Donair, Dan Duquette.

 

Now, take off, you hosers!

 

From the North.

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