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John Gibbons: A Letter To MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred!

July 28, 2017

 

 

Dear Commissioner,

 

It’s me ol’ Gibbers, Bobby. There are a few things that I’d like to get off my ol’ Texas chest.

 

Now, ya see Enrico Palooka from Palookaville, or whatever the hell his name is - thought it’d be a good time to become the ol’ star of the rodeo yesterday in our game against ‘Jokeland’, I mean, Oakland.

 

This has been a problem here in our good sport, Bobby. A real big problem and the thing is I’m an easy Texan to work with and you know that. There are only 5-things ol’ Gibbers doesn’t like and that’s Banister, Showalter, bozos, palookas, and Palookaville. And, yesterday, our ol’ barn turned into Palookaville, as I’m sure ya know.

 

Now, something needs to be done about this because this Enrico kid is as dumb as a post, a watermelon, a wagon wheel, a prairie dog, and a box of rocks. Do ya understand me?

 

He don’t know which end’s up, so how’s he suppose to know what a strike zone is too. You tell me, Bobby. I mean if all his brains were dynamite, he still couldn’t blow his nose – that’s for damn sure.

 

So as I sit here in my nice Toronto condo, sipping my good ol’ Canadian beer like a good ol’ Texas hoser, I can’t stop myself from thinking about what that palooka did to Stroman and Russ.

 

You have to see where this ol’ skip is coming from Mr. Commissioner. The fans paid to see our star pitcher do his shimmy strut thing – even though I still don’t quite get what an ol’ shimmy is, and they didn’t get to see that, did they? That just ain’t good for baseball.

 

Now, a video has surface on the good ol’ Internet of me and the things I said to this pansy pants palooka, and I meant every Goddamn word of it. I did. Ya see, Bobby, I heard around the ol Toronto block that this Palazzo Pizza fellow was out all f****** night last night! 

 

Apparently, this kid was spotted over on old Yonge street on Wednesday night, which is pronounced like the word ‘young’, which this ol’ Texan still can’t quite figure out why. Anyway, some people in the condo where I’m shacked up at said they spotted him at this place called the Brass Rail on Wednesday night.

 

So I gave my good pal Mark Saunders a call, who is the chief of the Toronto Police, and asked him to get his hands on some video footage from the club. So he did because he loves ol’ Gibbers and he owed me a favor for some post season tickets I got him last season. And it turns out that this palooka was tighter than bark on a log that night, that's for damn sure.

 

So I think that this matter is worth investigating and a suspension should be tossed because this kid is a chump and milk is for babies.

 

I think that the MLB needs to hire Umps that are as smart as a hooty owl that’s for damn sure. It just ain’t right that we have Umps like this kid in the league that couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.

 

The truth is, I’m tired of being as confused as a goat on Astro Turf. I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you if you catch my Texas wit.

 

Sincerely,

 

John Gibbons - the greatest manager in Blue Jays history.

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