Steve Simmons from the flame-throwing fiery sun isn’t too pleased with the first half of the Toronto Blue Jays. He’s down right real pissed off. Real. Pissed. Off.
He really presses his fingers to the ol’ computer keys on the good Birds of summer and takes a big giant Simmons piss all over the Birds.
He doesn’t waste any time either, he just goes at ‘em like it was an alleyway wall on a Saturday night after about six pints, as he types up this elegant sarcastic thought:
There is nothing wrong with the rather sad Blue Jays that a 10-game winning streak wouldn’t cure.
Now, wait for it … wait for it … and Simmons begins his woe-note-beat now:
The delusional wide-eyed optimists in the Jays clubhouse will certainly tell you that. They believe it’s only a matter of when.
Well, what the hell else are they going to tell the press monkeys, Steve-O? Seriously, c’mon man. You know better than that, don’t you? And to the good Birds of summer maybe it’s not quite over yet anyway.
Can you blame these guys for wanting to continue to believe in themselves? Is that what delusion is? Because if delusion is believing in yourself when times are trying, I guess I’m just as delusional as every other human that wants to go out with their boots on.
But one thing is for sure, and I’m all for a little hyperbole in the written word, BUT ‘wide-eyed optimists’ may be taking it to another level here because I’m sure the Birds aren’t exactly whistling around the clubhouse like everything is just dandy, Steve-O.
Simmons then offers his ‘they continue to say’ prose:
They continue to say they like this team with the slowest legs and weakest bats in the American League.
They continue to say they like this team that can’t play defensively in a contender kind of way.
They continue to say they like this team which lost 19-1 on Sunday afternoon, this coming after 11-4, 12-2, 12-4, 15-1, 12-2 losses since June began and the bad times were apparently over.
They continue to say they like this team that has attempted to get to .500 nine times in the first half …
… Whoa. I’ve got to stop this here, as Steve continues to say with some more blah, blah, blah, blah, Birds are bad, blah, blah, blah, blah, Birds are bad blahs.
Now, listen here folks, not everything Steve-O from The Sun is saying is entirely wrong. There is no denying that this has been an arduous season so far for everyone involved who has had to endure the injuries, the handful of blowouts, the woe to .500, and the, ya know, realization of how slow the damn team is, BUT again, c’mon man!
Would this article have even been written if the Birds won on Sunday afternoon? I’m going to say, probably not – or a big Kevin McCallister Dome Alone, ‘I don’t think so.’
It’s just a pretty shitty way to attack this team and take a giant piss on them as the first half of the season officially wraps up, don’t you think? It's what a pissant would do, and no one likes a pissant, am I right?
And then in his linguistic assault, he begins to take subtle jabs at players in the clubhouse who toss around the word ‘believe’, as they answer the same old questions from the same old press, which usually generate the same old cliché answers anyway.
The man from The Sun then yadi-yadi-yas to get to his point that Josh Donaldson is the ‘prince of pragmatism’. And I like Simmons’ two-cent-coined-expression - it's cute, but really JD has always just been the bringer of the good old fashion honest quote, as he states:
“It’s not about believing … Plain and simple, we need to play better.”
And, yeah, they do. They really do. JD knows it. The team knows it. And Ol’ Gibbers knows it.
Simmons then offers his baseball comedic sense (that's my sarcasm coming out now), as he pisses on the thoughts of Estrada and Smoak:
“It’s only one game,” Estrada said again, trying to sound confident. It’s been only one game how many times in the first half?
Yeah, Steve-O, we all know this, BUT you don’t need to be such a dick about it.
“We have a really good team,” said Justin Smoak, the unlikely all-star. “We know it.” He knows it. The rest of us aren’t so sure.
All right, I’ve been trying to cussing play nice here, but holy shit man what in the holy hell was in your coffee when you wrote this?
What in Blue Bird hell were your intentions in writing up this little gem of a big millennial STFU, seriously?
Did you feel better after each time your fingers typed on those keys, as you let out the Simmons thoughts, which were pulled from a piss soaked tree?
And, yeah, sure, maybe the rest of us aren’t sure if this is the team that’s going to get us to the post season for the third season in a row, but we’re not about to take a giant Steve-O turd on them like you decided to in this, are we?
There are other goddamn things you could write about other than this, no? I mean you didn’t get to where you are as a writer by being a complete and total bozo, did you?
It’s just a piece like this filled with these types of thoughts about our good Birds is something that I would expect to find on some shitty thread on the Toronto Blue Jays Reddit.
I just don’t get it, I really don’t. The future of this team is heading in the right baseball direction and Mark ShapIro and Ross Atkins are focused on getting better in the short term and the long term without blowing it the hell up, isn’t this a good thing?
I don’t think Mr. Simmons sees it this way though, as he gets all ‘shatkins’ in his conclusion:
It’s time to begin to fix this team — which has only gotten worse since Mark Shapiro and Ross Atkins took over as president and general manager — and to hell with the profit margins and the T-shirts sold.
And cue the Steve Simmons dramatic ending to this long drawn out piece, which reads like some melodramatic song sang by some dude with an acoustic guitar who cries just so he can be heard.
I say to hell with that, and I will continue to say it too.