The Series Against The Trash Birds Should Be A Reminder Kids: Don’t Gamble!


I’m not a gambling type of man kids, BUT if I were, I would have figured that the good Birds of summer would have taken at least 2-out-of-3 against the shitty Trash Birds from Baltimore. Damn it. I would’ve bet on them to sweep the sourpuss Showalter and his Baltimore Birds.

The Trash Birds are absolute turds on the road with a record that is about as desirable as the hobo in your local park is to the ladies of your fine town, am I right?

And Kevin Gausman is bad, like real bad this year, SO I would’ve thought the good Birds would’ve taken their bats to him, but that didn’t happen, did it?

... BUT I did indulge like a savage in a few barley and hops sandwiches that night, that’s for holy heck sure.

Now, if I were to have made a bet in that game, I would’ve bet the good Birds to put up some damn runs, eh! But this hoser doesn’t bet and Gausman pitched like he was some kind of a zero-earned-runs magician on the little ‘greenies’ that night.

Baseball case-in-unpredictable-point kids, don’t gamble.

Now after the how-in-the-hell-did-shitty-Gausman-pitch-so-well-against-the-good-Birds-Tuesday-night-of-a-big-millennial-shoulder-shrug, the next night came with a shimmy strut win by Stroman, which I would’ve laid some cash down on (if I gambled) a Birds win – that’s for sure.

… Because Wade Miley is as bad as metrosexual-frosted tips in the early Y2Ks, so yeah, the good Birds should’ve and did win, right?

… So let’s do a quick recap here: I would’ve lost my hard earned cash on a sure thing Birds win bet on Tuesday night, I would’ve won my money back (to break even) on Wednesday night, and then I would’ve looked ahead to Thursday night, and …

… I would’ve thought with J Hip (I mean Happ) on the dirt hill against the not so good Jimenez, the good Birds would win here folks. Sure. Thing. Bet.

I would’ve said okay time to go all ‘Bodog’ on the good Birds because the bats came to life on Wednesday and Jimenez is trash, so kids I would’ve bet on the good Birds to take the rubber match of ahh-shit-don’t-gamble-because-who-could’ve-predicted-last-night’s-outcome, am I right?

So who the hell knows, the Orioles are garbage on the road, their pitching is as bad as an eighteen-year-old kid’s hangover during frosh week, and their manager has a face that looks like a piss soaked diaper, BUT they took 2-out-of-3 against the good Birds.

And I hate to type this, BUT the Orioles do (somehow) own the good Birds this season (damn I hated typing that), and the Jays have a really shitty record against AL East teams this year – all factors which I probably should’ve considered if I were a gambling man.

Here’s the thing kids, just don’t gamble even when it seems like a sure bet.

It. Never. Is.

If you feel the need to play a little Proline, I say go for it. No one has ever gotten their legs broken by a guy name Rocky Rocco by playing Proline, BUT just stick to a $10 dollar weekly allowance, and remember there is no such thing as a sure bet.

Unless, of course, you’re betting on your education because that will get you a lot of debt, a part-time job as a waiter, and living in your parents basement into your late twenties.

Just kidding kids (sort of).

Stay. In. School. And don't gamble.


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