The Series Against The Trash Birds Should Be A Reminder Kids: Don’t Gamble!

June 30, 2017


I’m not a gambling type of man kids, BUT if I were, I would have figured that the good Birds of summer would have taken at least 2-out-of-3 against the shitty Trash Birds from Baltimore. Damn it. I would’ve bet on them to sweep the sourpuss Showalter and his Baltimore Birds.


The Trash Birds are absolute turds on the road with a record that is about as desirable as the hobo in your local park is to the ladies of your fine town, am I right?


And Kevin Gausman is bad, like real bad this year, SO I would’ve thought the good Birds would’ve taken their bats to him, but that didn’t happen, did it?


... BUT I did indulge like a savage in a few barley and hops sandwiches that night, that’s for holy heck sure.


Now, if I were to have made a bet in that game, I would’ve bet the good Birds to put up some damn runs, eh! But this hoser doesn’t bet and Gausman pitched like he was some kind of a zero-earned-runs magician on the little ‘greenies’ that night.


Baseball case-in-unpredictable-point kids, don’t gamble.


Now after the how-in-the-hell-did-shitty-Gausman-pitch-so-well-against-the-good-Birds-Tuesday-night-of-a-big-millennial-shoulder-shrug, the next night came with a shimmy strut win by Stroman, which I would’ve laid some cash down on (if I gambled) a Birds win – that’s for sure.


… Because Wade Miley is as bad as metrosexual-frosted tips in the early Y2Ks, so yeah, the good Birds should’ve and did win, right?


… So let’s do a quick recap here: I would’ve lost my hard earned cash on a sure thing Birds win bet on Tuesday night, I would’ve won my money back (to break even) on Wednesday night, and then I would’ve looked ahead to Thursday night, and …


… I would’ve thought with J Hip (I mean Happ) on the dirt hill against the not so good Jimenez, the good Birds would win here folks. Sure. Thing. Bet.


I would’ve said okay time to go all ‘Bodog’ on the good Birds because the bats came to life on Wednesday and Jimenez is trash, so kids I would’ve bet on the good Birds to take the rubber match of ahh-shit-don’t-gamble-because-who-could’ve-predicted-last-night’s-outcome, am I right?


So who the hell knows, the Orioles are garbage on the road, their pitching is as bad as an eighteen-year-old kid’s hangover during frosh week, and their manager has a face that looks like a piss soaked diaper, BUT they took 2-out-of-3 against the good Birds.


And I hate to type this, BUT the Orioles do (somehow) own the good Birds this season (damn I hated typing that), and the Jays have a really shitty record against AL East teams this year – all factors which I probably should’ve considered if I were a gambling man.


Here’s the thing kids, just don’t gamble even when it seems like a sure bet.


It. Never. Is.


If you feel the need to play a little Proline, I say go for it. No one has ever gotten their legs broken by a guy name Rocky Rocco by playing Proline, BUT just stick to a $10 dollar weekly allowance, and remember there is no such thing as a sure bet.


Unless, of course, you’re betting on your education because that will get you a lot of debt, a part-time job as a waiter, and living in your parents basement into your late twenties.


Just kidding kids (sort of).


Stay. In. School. And don't gamble.


Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Please reload

 bat flips are poetic
social media is weird
  • Facebook - Black Circle
  • Grey Instagram Icon
  • Twitter Basic Black
RSS Feed

March 26, 2020

September 28, 2019

August 15, 2019

July 24, 2019

July 8, 2019

Please reload

Please reload

We are not affiliated with the Toronto Blue Jays or MLB
2017 - forever, All Rights Reserved