It’s your hoser friend from the ‘Great White North’. I wrote to you earlier in the year, and I would like to thank the some of you who read the 'friendly' Canadian words I offered as I wished your team the best in being absolute trash for the 2017 season.
I appreciated some of your terrific feedback via Twitter. I’m going to restrain from cussing in this letter, as I make it very clear to you that your team is complete trash.
Now, I’m really not sure where to start, BUT I guess a big Canadian salute seems fitting, EH! So how about (not aboot) I begin with a big millennial:
It’s been real fun watching the garbage sourpuss ninny Showalter’s face over the course of May and June, that’s for darn brewski sure, eh!
I mean this Canadian hoser here has always known your team is complete trash, so it doesn’t surprise me that since the last time I wrote to you on May 19th your team has gone 14 - 22. I'm going to take a good ol' hoser guess that’s the reason why many of you trash fans have stopped flexing your emoji biceps on my Twitter and Instagram.
Heck, I kind of miss the trash noise that you trash bird fans like to flex up, BUT your team sucks so it’s tough to Internet chirp now, isn't it?
As the good ol’ hoser Canuck that I am, I must say I am pretty excited that your trash team is coming up here to the better part of North America to play the good Birds of summer – that’s for darn sure, eh!
It’s even more ‘Canadian bacon’ awesome that your team is 13 – 24 on the road, geez that sure does suck. And having Kevin Gausman on the ol’ dirt hill should make those clown feathers just feel a little more like the way Showalter’s face always looks, eh?! And that’s like a piss-soaked diaper, right? Because Kevin Gausman sure does stink.
The truth is trash bird fans, I think that the good Birds of summer might step their cleats on Showalter’s ninny back and leap over your team in the division standings by the end of this series.
And if that happens, it will be better than any Canadian Butter tart, any piece of peameal bacon, and any jambuster filled to the darn doughnut rim, that’s for sure, eh! It sure would get all us Canadian folks rootin’ and tootin’ our ol’ horns, as we hoot and holler that the good Birds are finally at .500 and not in last place in the AL East.
I know that between now and the All-Star break, the trash birds will be playing ten of their next thirteen games on the road. And since you garbage clowns know how badly your trash team plays on the road – like (let me remind you AGAIN) 13-24 bad. If the trash birds go 3-7 (if lucky) on the road headed into the break from here, they will be in a real stinky place, don’t ya think, Baltimore?
Well, anyway if you have made the trip to Toronto, I hope you enjoy our World-class city. If you’re looking for a place to eat in the city, there is a McDonalds at the corner of Spadina and Queen St. West, the Hard Rock Café has closed down at Yonge St. (pronounced like ‘young’) and Dundas, so don’t bother heading there.
Good luck on your road trip, it was nice to touch base with you again.
Now, take off, you hosers!
From the North.