Note to the reader: This is not some analytical piece, which breaks down the 'light' saber numbers for each Toronto Blue Jays 2017 Draft pick, this is a fun piece written for the sake of entertainment. If you read it to the end, and decide you don't think it's fun, well, that's your fault for reading the whole damn thing to begin with.
... So I think that it's important to write up some trash every now and then, so let's take a look at the coolest goddamn names that the Toronto Blue Jays drafted this year in, of course, Labatt Blue fashion.
I need to make note (to you, the reader) that a number of surveys were conducted in order to create a legitimate list (but there is no order to cool, cool is just, well, cool) - so although this is a subjective topic, I hired a team of cool experts and pollsters to analyze and collect as much data as possible into the names selected in the 2017 MLB Draft by (said in Tim Langton's voice) 'Your Toronto Blue Jays':
Kevin Smith stars in:
Kevin Smith was drafted in the 4th round, 129th overall, he's a shortstop, and can see the damn sailboat, but the real question is, can you? The young man, who plays out of Maryland, isn't 'chasing Amy', but he is chasing his big league dreams to the Rogers Centre, Dome, SkyCentre - or whatever you choose to call the big stage.
Cullen Large stars in:
(not gonna go there, but you just did)
Cullen Large was drafted in the 5th round, 159th overall, he's a second baseman, and working out of William and Mary - not Miami. And Cullen Large (not Sunny Crockett) knows that you've got to know the rules before you can break 'em. Otherwise, it's no fun.
Brock Lundquist stars in:
Brock Lundquist was totally drafted in the 6th round, like 189th overall, and he's a gnarly Cal State outfielder dude who hits the waves in Long Beach during his free time, bra! When Brock isn't in the yard chasing down baseballs, you can find him on the beach, in his van, waiting for the next most radical Long Beach wave to surf - oh wait, that's Daniel Norris, remember him?
Colton Laws stars in:
Colton Laws was drafted in the 7th round, 219th overall, and he is a RHP out of the North Carolina camp in Charlotte. This pitcher can handle the truth, and the truth is that all Birds fans love to know a little bit more about the organizations pitching prospects - that's for sure. Will he be one of the few good men that can see the big show in the Centre of the Dome, who knows?
Certainly not Richard Griffin, certainly not me, and certainly not you, but maybe the 'Laws' knows, and only time will tell what the truth is, can you handle it?
Kacy Clemens stars in:
Kacy Clemens (yes son of the Rocket) was drafted in the 8th round, 249th overall, and he's not a pitcher like his old man, BUT a first baseman out of Texas. It's not his fault, really, it's not his fault who his father is, and the poor kid has probably spent his whole life in the shadows of his legendary old man whose story has been filled with greatness and PED scandals.
Does Kacy like apples? Who knows? But I'm pretty sure the only line he's hoping to steal in the future is from Buck Martinez, and that's, 'Get up ball, and GONE!' Now, how do ya like them apples? (what does that even mean)
Donnie Sellers stars in:
Donnie Sellers was drafted in the 11th round, and he is a RHP from Wake Forest. Will he be a future lethal weapon in the Blue Jays starting rotation, umm, who the 'Mel Gibson drunkin' slur' knows, BUT I say 'yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!' Ooops, wrong movie - that's right, sorry Bruce.
Either way, 1980's movies are a good time, don't ya think? And Sellers is gonna 'die hard' trying to become a lethal weapon one day for the good Birds - or some MLB team one day in the future, that's for sure!
Ty Tice stars in:
Ty Tice was drafted in the 16th round by the good Birds, and he is another RHP, but there is a true story behind this Blue Jays pick.
And that story involves scouting director Steve Sanders, who sent his team to the secret yard in Central Arkansas where the future world's greatest pitchers hurl and fight in a battle to death, and it was there where they found Tice on the ol' dirt hill.
... that's all I got, no, seriously that's it, BUT tell me this, if you were a kid (like me) growing up in the eighties - how great were Van Damme movies?!
Gunnar Halter stars in:
Gunnar Halter is a SS from Seminole State, and he was drafted by the good Birds in the 22nd round. I'm sure this kid wants to end up in the magnificent 'John Gibbons Western Line Up' one day (because John Gibbons WILL manage this team FOREVER ... FOR-EV-ER said like Michael 'Squints' Palledorous from 'The Sandlot' - of course), and not even Yul Brynner is going to be able to stop Gun Halter from cracking the Blue Jays line up, and Yul Brenner is one bad dude.
Maverik Buffo stars in:
Maverik is a RHP in the Cougars land of Brigham Young, a University in Utah, which is named after the leader of the Latter Day Saint movement, Mr. Brigham Young.
He was picked up in the 34th round by the good Birds, and I'm sure if he can, he will samurai pitch his ways to the big show filled with all the guns! Good luck, Maverik!
That concludes the list of the '2017 MLB Blue Jays Draft picks: The NAMES you NEED to Know'.
... BUT there is just one name left, and it is the coolest you-gotta-be-kidding-me-this-is-a-real-name-and-not-a-made-up-hollywood-kinda-name NAME, which you NEED to know, and that is the 4th round draft pick by the Cincinnati Reds: