Twin Peaks Times: The Blue Jays Are The Best Team In The AL East!
The Toronto Blue Jays 2017 season has had an eerie surreal Twin Peaks kind of feel so far, hasn’t it? It almost seems like Mark ShapIro should hire FBI agent Dale Cooper to investigate the haunting curse that has been following the team since the first pitch was tossed back in Baltimore. But the truth is nothing is as it seems, and it seems that the Blue Jays remain within striking distance of a wild card spot.
The obscure and bizarre that has followed the club around different ballparks has created a howl of cries from fans all across the Great White North. And these hoots from the old Canadian owls are coming from observing this oddball wild dream sequence, which has left the nation in awe. Let’s take a look at the 'Twin Peaks' strange that has shadowed the good ol' Birds this season and the AL East:
Trash O’s fans ACTUALLY think the O's are better than the Blue Jays
Francisco Liriano’s millennial WTF 135.00 ERA after his first start
Fan favorite Jason Grilli serving meatballs as he struggles with location
51.5 % of the entire team's payroll has sat on the golden DL
Chris Coghlan had people whispering, ‘Is he a unicorn?’ after his leap
The overachieving Yankees are in first place
Justin Smoak is leading the Blue Jays offense
Kevin Pillar can hit, he can really hit
The Red Sox are expensively regressively shitty
Kevin Pillar said a terrible thing
Marcus Stroman has more home runs than JD and Tulo in May
Joe Biagini and Marcus Stroman have more RBIs than JD and Tulo in May
Joe Smith, Danny Barnes, and Ryan Tepera are something awesome
Aaron Sanchez’s blister is a real goddamn sore little problem
How many ‘who’s’ have played so far? Seriously, how many?
Jose Bautista and Russell Martin have both played third base
DeMarlo Hale and John Gibbons are on a vegan diet (okay, this is a lie)
This season has had a strange feel to it so far, a kind of 'Twin Peaks' eerie vibe, don’t you think? And if Jays fans were to have read this list back in February, they would have mumbled something like, ‘whatya fuckin’ Jesus Murphy smokin’ ya hoser eatin’ jam buster, there’s no Mary Joseph way this is happening – I’ll bet all my rolled up Toonies and Loonies on that?!’
But this is the story so far, and the most important thing here is the information that follows the ‘but’ (after a sentence), and that’s the unknown - or known, hmm.
Now, it’s no ‘awe’ kind of shit that the good ol' Birds season has been arduously strange, but the uncanny times are going to get better because this shit is real, so let’s take a look at the potential of the 'but' that has a real 'Twin Peaks' kind of feel because:
The New York Yankees younger players are not going to continue to play like they are Mike Trout. There is really only one Mike Trout and he doesn’t play for the Yankees – thank fuck! And in addition to the Yankees youth, who will come back down to reality, their starting rotation is dog shit – don’t ever forget that. So what this all means is that the Yankees are a big fucking façade and not who they seem to be.
This now leads me to the trash O’s because their fans believe their team is actually good, and, yes, they’re not dog shit, but they’re pretty close to it. They have quite a few holes in their lineup, pitching, and managing – so they too are not the team that they seem to be, and they will regress without a doubt because holy fuck they are not as good as their record indicates.
Which leaves us to the amazing tragedy occurring in Boston. Ha. That’s what you get for trying to stay under the luxury tax – you bunch of bozos. I hope this ship keeps sinking as it continues to be steered by John Farrell.
I’m not even going to write about the Rays.
So the strange and nothing as it seems mood and atmosphere in the AL East is real and the Blue Jays can most definitely climb up the standings. They are the best team in last place, and they will get healthier because that’s what time does. It heals. Now imagine the Blue Jays lineup with Troy Tulowitzki and Josh Donaldson in it while Justin Smoak is smashing home runs, Kevin Pillar is getting on base, Jose Bautista is being Joey Bats, Russell Martin is swinging and calling games, Devon Travis is starting extra base fires, and Kendrys Morales is switch hitting the shit out of the ball – where do you think these Birds could be come September? Really? Where?
Now I’m not writing ‘hooey’ here, this is a real possibility. And playing the winning percentage game (and all that nonsensical trash) for what the Jays have to do to make the playoffs is irrelevant because what matters is how many games behind they are - not the winning percentage: it’s simple math (and I fucking hate math).
So if the Jays are 5 games back from the wild card, that means they are within arms reach. And if the wild card team has a .523 winning %, then the Jays don’t need to play .610% ball the rest of the way - they just have to keep pace and pass this shitty number, am I right? What matters is how many games back they are, and it really isn’t that many.
The Toronto Blue Jays have a surprisingly solid bullpen, and once Joe Biagini jumps back there with Joe Smith, Danny Barnes, Ryan Tepera, and Roberto Osuna – that looks pretty fantastic, and once Liriano and Happ get back into the starting rotation the lining starts to look a lot less like silver and maybe a little more like gold.
Am I typing out of my ass? Possibly, but the Jays have a goddamn bird fight of a chance, and they really are the best team in the AL East. What’s that? Yes, I said the Toronto Blue Jays are the best team in the AL East. Why? Because we all know nothing beats the taste sensation when maple syrup collides with ham – just ask Dale Cooper.