THIS IS A TRUE STORY
So this past long weekend this crazy sonova big millennial WTF (me) decided to take a ‘psychic pit stop crawl road trip’ around the old ‘Horseshoe of Ontario’ to find out what insightful information I could about the Blue Jays, as they push forward into the summer and the final 100 plus games left in the season.
I decided to begin my psychic crawl on Queen St. West in Toronto since it’s only minutes away from where I live. There is an older Jamaican lady there who always sets up her table of tarot cards on the sidewalk a few steps away from the Black Bull bar in the same spot everyday, as she makes a quick buck off of tourists. I told her I was uninterested in learning about me and that I was on an investigative journey to collect as many predictions about the remainder of the Blue Jays season as possible. She smiled at me, laid down her cards, and told me this:
‘The SkyDome roof will be open more than it has been for the rest of the season.’
I sat across from her in awe and thought 'fuckin' eh'.
I then hit the old Gardiner and decided to make my next psychic pit stop in Mississauga because an old friend of mine (from back in my Kensington Market hipster days) texted me and told me about a psychic Shaman at a strip mall who is able to look into the great beyond. And I believed him, so I went.
This shaman was a mystical and spiritual man with an intimidating presence. I sat across from him and told him what I wanted to know. He asked me to hold some tobacco in my right hand so I did. He looked me in the eye and said this:
‘The Blue Jay is a part of the Crow family, and the Crow is a bird that leads one through the forest so you know that you are safe and not lost,’
I asked this wise man what this all means and he said:
‘Never forget the Blue Jays will bring comfort during the long hot summer days ahead regardless of the outcome of the game.’
I looked him in the eye and thought, 'goddamn it - he’s right'. I paid the man, and then left. The thing is and as cool as they were, I was seeking more from these first two psychics than I got. I just wanted to find out what Blue Jays fans can expect for the rest of the season so that I could write about it, but I wasn't getting that at all.
I jumped back in my car, hurried over to a Tim’s, grabbed myself a dark roast with one milk and twenty Timbits (for some good Canadian sugar), as I pushed through in my psychic pursuit of the 2017 Toronto Blue Jays truth.
My next stop was in Hamilton, yes, the good ol’ 'Hammer'. My great Aunt Ida had told me about this old Ukrainian psychic in the East End … So I thought – it’s time to go there because I needed more solid predictions to write about. I took the beaten strip of highway to Hamilton and ended up parked in a mid-century wartime house driveway.
Moments later, I was sitting across from the old Ukrainian psychic. She shared with me her tea (even though I hate tea and had a coffee on the drive over). I cut to the baseball chase and told her what I was seeking and she sipped her tea and then offered me this:
‘Mark ShapIro will get an offer he can’t refuse for Marco Estrada come trade deadline with prospects that scream success in the future.’
I almost choked on my tea (and not just because I fucking hate tea) because what does this mean. Does this mean that the Blue Jays are not going to be in a wild card hunt in the middle of July? This is not what I wanted to hear, but it’s what she said. I paid the old lady and left.
I was not satisfied with this Marco Estrada prediction, so I jumped back into my beaten up Volkswagen Fox and took the highway straight to Grimsby to visit this old Russian lady who has a tarot card shop next to the Giant Tiger in the tiny little downtown of this remote Ontario village.
She didn’t offer much information at all. She looked at me and laughed and said:
‘Cheap tickets on StubHub.’
And what the fuck does that mean. Goddamn … I was starting to realize that this was a waste of my time, but I needed to push through for the blog and to get to the core of the truth for the rest of the 2017 season.
I ended up driving into St. Catharines and found a little fortune teller place on St. Paul St. in the old downtown there, which has changed a great deal since my last visit. The psychic was a younger man from Nigeria who claims that he can see the future by reading the clouds.
I thought okay you crazy sonova (referring to me – of course), well, here we fucking go … I told him that I wanted to know what Blue Jays fans can expect for the rest of the season. He looked out his window and said:
'Regulars will come back from injury, start winning more often. Going to be a challenge to get back into the hunt but you've seen them go on long winning streaks before. If they can't climb to .500 by July, they'll start selling.'
And then he stopped and said:
'No wait … there is movement within the sky ... Gibby will get ejected 13 more times before All-Star break.'
And then he stopped AGAIN and said:
'The Jays will be in the hunt for the WC, but I expect the disastrous April to catch up to them and cause them to fall short. I feel like ShapIro starts building "his" team and starts selling off some of the team’s assets.'
And he broke up that quick change of thought with:
'Oh no hold on, the sudden change in the great sky offers this ... 'win division. Sweep DS and CS. Win World Series.'
‘Goddamn it!’ I yelled and I threw my forty dollars on the table and stormed off. Nothing had been solved. I dedicated my entire Sunday to nothing but this nonsensical chase for the truth and nothing but a load of bullshit. Bullshit. Pure shit.
I think predictions are absolute spit in the can, so I just couldn’t figure out why I decided to go on this great Canadian wild Goose chase, but I did and I stood in a pile of psychic manure, so I thought now what?!
I decided I’d make one last stop in the beautiful town of Welland. I parked my car beside the old Bingo hall and walked across the street and into a little fortune teller shop called, 'Rose’s Tarot Card Readings', and I laid down my cards to her and then she laid down hers for the Blue Jays and said this:
'There are 117 games left in the season (maybe less by the time you are reading this) and the Blue Jays sit 5.5 games back from the Wild Card spot. The team needs to play close to .600 ball the rest of the way, and it isn’t an impossible task. Once the team is healthy anything is possible. The Yankees are going to come back down to reality, the Red Sox are going to lock up third in the AL East disappointing all their shitty fans. The Orioles are trash and trash always finds a way to lose, and Tampa will finish last because they are the dog shit Rays. It’s up to the Blue Jays to field the team that everyone expects to see on the field, stay healthy and once they do, take a Wild Card spot because holy fuck it is still a real possibility.'
I sat there in absolute hoser awe by this profound prediction. And I left. As I was walking through the desolate parking lot beside the Bingo hall, a homeless man approached me, and asked me for some money. I told him I’d give him a twenty if he could make some damn bold predictions about the Toronto Blue Jays and what fans can expect moving into the summer months ... and holy fuck did he let loose one maudlin realistic thought:
(He said laughing) 'They will play a bunch of baseball games.'
And goddamn it, he’s right! I gave him a twenty, got in my car, and drove off.
Here's the thing, predictions are spit in the can and anything is possible, am I right? And there is plenty of baseball still left ... It's not even summer yet.