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A Letter To The Trash O's: Take Off, You Hosers

May 19, 2017

 Dear Baltimore,

 

It’s your hoser friend from the ‘Great White North’. I wrote to you earlier in the year, and I would like to thank the some of you who read the 'friendly' Canadian words I offered as I wished your team the best in being absolute trash for the 2017 season.

 

I appreciated some of your terrific feedback via Twitter. I’m going to restrain from cussing in this letter, as I make it very clear to you that your team is complete trash.

 

Now both of our ball clubs faced each other on Opening Day, as you hosted our good ol’ Birds. It came as no surprise when you, the fans, started chanting USA! USA! USA!, as that seems to be the thing to do down there, eh!

 

I’m not sure why some of you feel the need to bellow this patriotic tribal chant when Toronto visits you at the Yard, but it seems to be the thing you do – so I’m sure this weekend you will do the same thing again!

 

And let me take a wild trash guess and hurl this one over your trash plate – you’re probably going to ‘hiss’ or ‘boo’ Bautista too, am I right?

 

I guess that you think your team has been playing some good baseball this year, but I’m here to remind you that there is still a lot of baseball to be played.

 

I’m pretty sure that your team will find away to blow it because they’re trash, and that’s what your trash team does. I mean you may not be as bad at blowing it like the shitty Texas Rangers, but your team is really good at not getting the job done – that’s for damn sure.

 

The Eddie Murray and Cal Ripken years have long passed, eh?! How long has it been since the Trash O’s have won a World Series? 1987?  Ah, nope, that year it was the Twins. Hmm, ahh, 1984? Ahh, shit, of course not – it was the Tigers year that year. O’(h) S(hit), that’s right – 1983! Geez. That sure as shit sucks eh trash bird fans. Damn. Damn. Damn. Say it ain’t so, O’s? But it is, and I’m not a betting man, but I’d make a bet that the birds of trash from Baltimore PROBABLY won’t win the ‘Golden Flags’ this year too.

 

I know you’re probably thinking how could this hoser be chirping us when the Blue Birds are dead last in the AL East. But here's the thing, the good Birds have been sending out their Buffalo Bison lineup all season due to millions and millions of dollars on the DL, AND they are still in striking distance if these replacements can hang in and keep fighting a little bit longer – so there’s that.

 

I’m looking forward to the good replacement Birds of blue beating your orange and black clowns and that ninny Manager of yours Buck Showalter. The fact is your team sucks. The season is still early. And the Trash Birds from Baltimore will figure out how to blow it as they always do.

 

And don’t worry Baltimore USA tribal chanting fans, maybe Manny Machado won’t become a Yankee when he hits free agency in 2018. Who knows? Right? Either way it sucks for Manny because I’m not sure who sucks more your shitty team or the Yankees!

 

I’m here to remind you that the MLB season is still young, and there is plenty of time for your team to trend like the trash that they are.

 

Take off, you hosers!

 

From the North.

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