Birds Of Anarchy: The Bad Boys Of Summer
After Chris Archer 'accidentally' hurled a ball behind Bautista, Bautista gave Archer one of his many staredown faces. This stare, I believe, would be the Jose Bautista 'Are you fucking kidding me?' stare, but it got me thinking - hmmm, and then the next thing I know, I find myself google searching best Blue Jays staredowns - not a whole lot came up, except for a plentiful amount of Jose Bautista stares (and if you don't believe me google it) So here's a quick look at some of the many Joey Bats stares and staredowns:
The You Can Run, But You Can't Hide Stare
The You're Gonna Get A Punch In The Nose Stare
The Bitch Please Stare
The I Will Kill You Stare
The I Just Killed You Stare
So as I was looking at the many faces of Bautista, I realized how much of a fucking badass he is. So then I decided that it would be cool to pay tribute to all the badass Blue Jays from past to present. And as some of you already know, I think that it's important to write up some awesome trash every now and then, so let's take a look at and analyze the best Toronto Blue Jays badass gangsters in Labatt Blue fashion. I need to make note (to you, the reader) that a number of surveys were conducted in order to create a legitimate list - so although this is a subjective topic, I did hire Scott Hall and Kevin Nash to analyze and collect as much cool badass 'wolf pack' data as possible, so here we go:
Birds Of Anarchy: The Bad Boys Of Summer
Cliff Johnson was one badass Jay. He was the DH with the Birds for four years in the eighties, and he wasn't afraid to staredown any pitcher who tried to go high and inside on him. This cat was as cool as an alley way near Riverfront Avenue in Chinatown in the dead winter of Calgary. Now that's fucking cool.
Alan Ashby is one badass dude who rocked a great stache too. He was a popular radio Blue Jays broadcaster who knew the game and worked alongside our beloved Jerry Howarth. He was also a part of one of the worst Blue Jays trades back in 1978. The 1978 swap brought right-hander Mark Lemongello, outfielder J.J. Cannon and Pedro Hernandez to the Jays for Ashby and some baseball writers consider it one of the worst trades in franchise history (minus, of course, the AA RA Mets/Jays trade * sigh *). Ashby played 1,299 games for the Astros, while Cannon (131 games), Lemongello (18) and Hernandez (11) appeared in 160 total ballgames for the Jays. History - you got to love it.
Willie Upshaw is a total fuckin' badass. He was a Pat Gillick 1977 Rule 5 pick-right-out-of-the-Yankee-pocket. He became a rugged and staunch first baseman for the Birds in the eighties, and showed he had a good left jab too. If he wasn't so goddamn good at baseball, he totally could've found himself in a lead role of a Quentin Tarantino film, don't you think?
Jim 'the Ack' Acker. He is one bad motherfucker. This Blue Jays pitcher is a villainous bird that you wouldn't want to cross at an old Texas bar, am I right? The Ack is a badass. Period.
Jim Clancy is one cool cat, and being that fuckin' cool is totally badass. If he weren't such an awesome hurler of the old baseball, he totally could've landed a role in Easy Rider alongside the great legend - Dennis fucking Hopper.
Look at that stare, and, no, that's not a lecherous gaze - sorry ladies. I think that subtle badass don't fuck with me look in George Bell's eyes might even have Jose Bautista look away - because no one fucks with George Bell. Seriously. No. One. N O O N E ! ! ! Why don't you go ask Bruce Kison who the fucking ninja is.
George Bell played with his heart on his ball cap, his cool in his bat, and feet ready to take off heads.
A big millennial 'obvi.' It's David Wells. Enough Said. Hot dogs, beers, and brawls - David Wells.
His nickname was the Terminator, so don't be fooled by those specs. He's as badass as they come. The 6'5" 215lb. Kansas skull crusher was drafted by the Texas Rangers in the fourth round of the 1980 amateur draft. Terminator Tom joined the Blue Jays in 1984 as a compensatory pick for former Blue Jays badass DH Cliff Johnson, who penned his name with the Rangers as a free agent.
Anyone who can make a mullet look cool is a total badass. The ladies loved him and the guys thought he was a fucking rockstar - that's about as cool as it gets.
The man is in the Hall, and he's been through hell and came out on top too. Seriously. So I say fuckin' eh, he's a badass. One of the best natural hitters the game has ever seen. Respect.
I wouldn't trust those smiles, that's for sure. They say - hey look we're all gonna strike you out or take off your head if you stand to close to the plate.
A short lived Blue Jays badass, but Rickey was a badass wherever he went. And anyone who can steal more than anyone else and not got caught, is one slick fucking grifter of the bags, no?
Don't let his smile fool you because Carlos Delgado was the biggest beast in the East. And here's the thing, have you ever heard the sound of the ball leave his bat at the old SkyDome? Because Holy Fuck! That sound dropped mouths in awe, well, at least mine. The most complete badass baseball sound I have heard was a ball off the bat of a Delgado home run. Done.
A true East Coast Canadian badass. Who didn't love his Stone Cold 3:16 walkup music, am I right? Fuckin' eh! Matt Stairs is Canada's baseball badass (and Larry Walker too, but he never played for the Jays - so there's that). Stairs 3:16 says he just whooped your ass.
Not even Chuck Norris wants to fuck with this Walker because even though he wasn't a power pitcher, he could throw a fork finger right to the eye of Chuck Norris and then Chuck Norris would die. Every Jays fan knows that Pete Walker doesn't turn on the shower, he stares at it until it starts to cry.
Josh Donaldson is a millennial cool as fuck badass. He has all the girls texting OMG 😍 and all the guys texting the good ol' fashion thumbs up emoji 👍 . JD has the proper levels of pugnacity, testosterone, truculence and belligerence - fuckin' eh he does, right? Brian Burke? 2008 Leafs? Oh yeah, you know the quote, don't you? Josh Donaldson rocks the Rogers Centre casbah and if JD fought the law, the law would lose.
Just ask Gregg Zaun.
He is the man with the many staredowns, he is the sultan of flips, better known as the Bats, he is the Big Smoke's Great Jose Jose Jose Jose, the King Home Run Kong of Killing Trash Birds, he is the the one and the best GIF only - badass Joey Bats.
That's the Jose 'I know I'm cool as fuck' look with a can't help it shoulder shrug. We know you are too, Jose! Here's a big bro flex for you Joey - 💪 with an exclamation !
Just ask Shea Hillenbrand whose ship is sinking, right? Because old Gibbers knows. And why don't you ask Ted Lilly to hand over the ball, no? Because John fucking Gibbons will tell you who the bozo is. Why? Because he is one cool Texas badass that would make John Wayne turn the other way. Yup. Gibbers knows his Turkey, he knows how to get wild, and he played on the fucking 1986 Mets too. He's one cool fierce force of nature who knows how to play the cool in the calm and the fuck when things go wrong.