SPECIAL EDITION of Drunk John Gibbons: Day Off Thoughts (written by Mama Fratelli)
Side note: I have some serious top secret agents at Jays Droppings who know the who, who knows: the man. And the man was able to get his hands on a recorded first person drunk narrative of John Gibbons on Monday morning at the Rogers Centre.
Rogers Centre, Toronto
Monday, April 17 - roughly around 9:45 AM (Manager's office)
And here's a first person narrative of John Gibbons:
'Where’s my wine? The boys don’t need to know. Fuck it Gibbers, go for the ol’ Turkey.
Yup. Hmm. Now the real Texas question is, do I have enough Turkey? Nope. Nope ya don’t Gibbers. Hmm. Gotta have another bottle hiding somewhere in this dang office. Hmm, ah, yup, I do. Good ol’ Gibbers always prepared for a lil’ skid.
Happy Monday Gibbers. Happy Monday. Ah Gibbers … What are we? 1 – 11 … Think Gibbers think … Oh, that’s right. The good ol’ boys won 2 – that’s right ... 2 and fuckin’ 10 Gibbers ... 2 and 10. Turkey? Yup. Goddamn, losing to that ninny Showalter. Goddamn Farrell coming into town Tuesday. JD – DL, Sanchey – DL, Happ – DL, what’s next? Gibbers, heart attack. Ha. That’s what Gibbers ... the ol’ heart getting’ bit by the Texas bug. Oh boy, pretty shitty start. Yup. Don’t even know what to say in this Goddamn SportsNet scrum. Turkey? Yup. I’m just gonna tell em' in my straight shootin’ way, I miss Barry Davis. There I said it. I said it Gibbers.
Okay so where’s the ol’ weekly checklist ya wrote out Gibbers. Oh … maybe I put it in this drawer. Hmm. Nope. Oh! But there’s some more good ol' Monday Turkey! Giddy Up Cowboy! Okay where's this checklist? Geez, Gibbers think. Maybe I should ask Leiper … Hmm. Oh! Never mind, ha … Wrote it on the ol’ hand. Smart move Gibbers. Smart move.
Alright … Alright … Alright. I’m bored now. Hmm. Internet is fun when you’re bored Gibbers. Where’s your laptop Gibbers? Think … Maybe go look at cute pups on Buzz Feed Gibbers. You know ol' Gibbers like pictures of some cute pups to cheer himself up, damn right you do Gibbers. Thank the good ol’ JD for showin’ me this Buzz Stuff.
Hmm, now … where is the ol Laptop? … Oh! There she is! Right in front of ya Gibbers, on your good ol’ desk. Hmm. Maybe I should see what they’re sayin' bout’ my ol’ team. Nah, Gibbers … don’t do that. No! Do it Gibbers. Do it! Don’t do it Gibbers! Goddamn it, where’s my Turkey? Fuck it Gibbers … Just a quick look at what they’re sayin’ about my boys.
Where’s the Turkey? Yup. Couple more of these and I’ll have the good ol’ day off Texas swagger happening.
Okay Gibbers, how do ya turn this thing on? Where’s Leiper? LEIPER! LEIPER!
Seconds later …
Leiper – ‘Hey Skip!’
Gibbons: ‘Can ya turn this goddamn thing on for me?’
Leiper walks into the office and presses the power button on John Gibbons’ laptop.
Leiper – ‘Think ya should be drinkin’ so much skip?’
Gibbons – ‘Yup.’
Leiper nods and leaves …
Alright Gibbers, where were ya? That’s right … Gonna read the Toronto press. Hmm … What should I Google? Think Gibbers. How about Gibbers. No … Gibbers … No … Not Gibbers … Ah! Got it! The shitty Blue Jays … Okay here we go … T H E S H I T T Y B L U E J A Y S … now press enter Gibbers … And ha … What’s this?
BLUE JAYS MAILBAG:
ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT THE SHITTY TEAM IN TORONTO
Hmm. Andrew Stoeten, who is this Stoeten? Stoeten – think I’ve heard of him Gibbers … Okay Gibbers … better find the ol’ glasses … Alright, there they are. Got em'. Now where’s the Turkey? Yup. There she is. Okay how do I work this Goddamn MacFuck -okay just scroll … How do ya move the arrow thingy Gibbers.
DAMN IT! LEIPER! LEIPER!
Oh! Got it!
DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT LEIPER! OL’ GIBBERS FIGURED IT OUT!
Okay scroll Gibbers … Hmm … The Jays got ol’ fast … Hmm … Ya could do better than that Terry from Toronto. Where’s the Turkey? This gonna be good Gibbers. Ha. Shitty Toronto. .578 clip rest of the season??? Hmm. Drew likes his ol’ math. Goddamn Gibbers hates his math … .578? What are all these words after this ol’ question? Ah! Okay gonna try me some ol’ fashion reading Gibbers …
They now need to win 87 of their final 150 games to reach 89 wins, which would be a .580 clip, or a 94-win pace. And now they've got to do it for the next little while without Josh Donaldson, Aaron Sanchez, and J.A. Happ.
Hmm. ‘Oof’ is right Gibbers … Damn this Stoeten is good at the ol’ math. Gotta be good at something. Hmm … Where’s the Turkey? Yup. There she is. This Stoeten’s math gonna get the Gibbers swagger real Texas like …
Five in a row puts them at 7-10 with 145 left. To get to 89 wins at that point would mean playing at a 91-win clip (.566) the rest of the way to get there. That's at least more doable than the 94-win pace they're staring at right now. Or say they play .500 for 10 games, then go on a five-game winning streak. That would make them 12-15 with 135 games left, which would require a 92-win clip (.570) to get to 89.
Goddamn Gibbers likes me some Stoeten. The good ol’ boys gonna do it Gibbers … What else this guy sayin’ bout our math …
And we shouldn't forget the doomed 2011 Boston Red Sox. They had a nine-game lead in the AL East going into September, and it was only through a monumental collapse that month that they managed to miss the playoffs on the last day of the season. They started 2-10, as well.
Well, Goddamn forgot all about that 11’ Red Sox Gibbers … this ol’ math kid is like a good ol’ baseball encyclopedia. This StewPen … Nah … TenStoe … Whatever Gibbers. Name not important … because Gibbers we still have a chance. Well, I kinda like these Texas numbers being laid out on the math table. Just gotta get in it to win it now ol’ Gibbers …
LEIPER! LEIPER! LEIPER!
Leiper – ‘Hey Skip.’
Gibbers – ‘We need to string together some wins Leiper.’
Leiper – ‘Sure do Skip, but hey the 1989 Blue Jays were in last place on the last day of April and won the East.’
Gibbers – ‘Where did ya read that?’
Gibbers – “Twitter. Hmm. So we still gotta chance Leiper, we still got a bettin' chance.
Leiper – ‘Ya think skip?’
Guest Writer Mama Fratelli