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A Working Class Letter To Baltimore (Take Off, You Hosers)

April 13, 2017

 

 

 

 Dear Baltimore,

 

Welcome to Toronto, which is also known as the 6ix, the Big Smoke, and Torono (without the t) if you are a Torontonian - that's what people who live in Toronto are called.

 

I would like to point out, to you, that lately the Blue Birds have not been playing to their full fucking potential, and it has all the (I don't know how to Baseball) fans morose to the fucking Blue Bird bone. So this means that, yes, Baltimore, the Blue Jays need to bat the hell out of your starting rotation and start touching home plate with their Blue Bird cleats - that means scoring runs.

 

The season is only a few strides into this marathon, but our Birds are very excited to turn their early season woes around by fucking hitting the shit out of Kevin Gausman on Thursday night, Wade Miley on Friday night, whoever the fuck your TBA for Saturday’s afternoon game is, and Dylan Bundy in the series finale. 

 

It will be nice to watch the Blue Jays wake up against your trash team because we, Blue Jays Nation, fucking hate everything about your trash birds.

 

 (Seriously, what's with the fucking apostrophe)

 

Id’ like to start with a big fucking Canadian hoser salute to Dan Duquette because even though he was the GM for our nostalgic Montreal Expos, he did say a thing about Jose Bautista this offseason, and that thing still hasn't been forgotten. I have some news for you Baltimore fans, we don’t like you too, and guess what we’re a fucking ruckus that won’t chant ‘we don’t like you’, but you might here things chanted from our stands like ‘Fuck You Duquette!’ or maybe something just a touch milder in language like ‘You Suck Duquette’. But one thing we won’t chant is USA, umm, oh wait, that’s right we’re Canadian, but we won’t chant ‘Canada’ over and over to show our patriotic ‘Eh!’ to match your ‘Huh?’ Because up here in the North, we understand that most of the players on the field are from other countries, and also it's just fucking tacky America, fuck yeah? Coming again to save the mother fucking day, no? Team America? Fuck it, moving on ...

 

Typical fucking American patriotic bullshit, and, hey, this letter isn’t a knock on your country, I have American family and friends who aren’t the USA chanting type, so take off, you hosers.

 

 

And as my rant continues to move forward in this letter to you, Baltimore, I’d like to say once again 'thank you, Buck Showalter' for leaving Zack fucking Britton in the bullpen in the Wild Card game, fuckin’ eh!

 

It’s always fun to see the old angry ninny Buck Showalter come to Toronto and watch his face get red because the Blue Birds beat up on your Orange Trash Birds. There’s nothing better than watching Buck Showalter get tossed from a game up here in the good North – I sure hope we get to see that red ninny face get tossed out of a game at least once this Easter weekend.

 

 

And as for your team, I guess you understand that we don’t like them too. So let’s take a look at how Blue Jays fans feel about your roster:

 

  • RF Seth Smith – Who cares, it’s Seth Smith.

  • LF Craig Gentry – Who?

  • CF Adam Jones – He’s a nice guy, fuck - he really is, so I’m not even going to rant on him. But I do have a great idea Mr. Jones, why don’t you come play for the Jays, there is an opening in LF for you.  It sure as fuck better than playing in Baltimore.

  • LF Hyun Soo Kim – Umm, I’d like to take the time to apologize for the beer can, some times the bro hosers in Toronto, do dumb bro headed things.

  • 1B Chris Davis – Take off, you fucking hoser.

  • DH/RF Mark Trumbo – The working class, huh? Dan Duquette. Take off, you hoser.

  • C Welington Castillo – You’re the new Matt Wieters, and fuck Matt Wieters.

  • 3B Manny Machado – You’re gonna be a Yankee.

  • 2B Jonathan Schoop – Not cool Schoop. You are just not cool.

  • SS J.J. Hardy – You’re not Troy Tulowitzki. You are just not Troy Tulowitzki.

 

Side note: I could write about your pitchers too, but this is about as much trash that my MacBook can handle – I would have to update my trash software if I were to look at the trash bullpen and rotation of Baltimore.

 

Side note: Thank you Jimenez, it was great watching Edwin walk you off.

 

So welcome to Toronto, Baltimore, all of us up here are really looking forward to watching the Blue Birds turn their season around against your Trash Birds. Up here in Canada, we love to fucking hate your baseball team. It’s a really great feeling beating you and winning the season series too. Your baseball team, Baltimore, is one team we here in Canada truly fucking hate.

 

If baseball were hockey (you Baltimore folk), we’d be dropping the ol’ gloves the second the puck hit the ice – because you’re the Baltimore fucking Trash Birds.

So it’s time for the Blue Jays to take out the trash, isn’t it?

 

Welcome to Toronto, Baltimore, we’ve been waiting since October to see your trash team.

 

Happy Easter,

 

Blue Birds Nation

 

P.S. Take off, you hosers.

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