First things first here Jays fans, let’s get something straight - stop fucking complaining about the Jays when they lose this early in the season. For any person who doesn’t understand the beautiful marathon that baseball is, well, fuck – I’ve got no advice for you – except figure it the fuck out.
The thing about baseball is that it's a beautiful long tale that plays out over six months, so sit back, sip your Gibbers wine, and enjoy your Blue Jays day-to-day (That's as poetic and reflective as it's gonna get in this post game rant).
So, yeah, the Jays lost two games in a row in Baltimore, and you know what I say, I say, so what? And so should you.
I just needed to get that off the ol' Bird chest.
So we fuckin’ won, and it feels good to get the first win, doesn’t it?
Now, let’s go back to the 7 o’clock hour when Gregg Zaun and Jamie Campbell were on the ol’ flat screens discussing Marcus Stroman, and Gregg Zaun said a thing.
(Oops, that's Richard Griffin)
Anyway, Zaun had to go and make his Zaun point that he doesn’t like the way Stroman stares batters down, and his overall attitude on the mound. And holy fuck, Gregg, roast this - get the fuck over it – seriously, all old school baseball players – get the fuck over it. The new attitude of these young players is exciting, and, yes, it’s not the way it was when ‘you’ were all in the game. So, umm, just get over yourselves. Okay, I’m done.
But seriously, you sound like a bunch of old acid rockers who listened to Black Sabbath as teenagers and then ended up getting jobs as cooks in the kitchen of Kelsey’s (not that there is anything wrong with that) and telling me (when I was a teenager washing dishes in that same Kelsey’s kitchen in 1995) that Pearl Jam and Blind Melon suck – those bands were my thing and Black Sabbath was yours.
(No, this was not the guy who I worked with when I was fifteen and washed dishes at Kelsey's. Actually, I hope the guy in this pic is doing alright somewhere, and the guy from Kelsey's too. Anyway, moving on).
Is there a point to this stream of thought? Yes, there is. Things change, and it’s all good – actually, it’s called life. Deal with it Zaun, good ol’ Buck Martinez likes it. Anyway, moving on.
‘Get your Shimmies here! Get your Red Hot Shimmies here!’ What a fucking outing by Marcus Stroman. A nice piece of work there folks, so ‘shimmy shimmy cocoa puff shimmy shimmy pow' all season long StroShow and #HDMH stare down the foe and own that mound, however the fuck you want to well doing it too.
Let's just say that Marcus Stroman dropped his new hit single on iTunes: Ground Balls and Double Plays brought to you by Blue Bird Infielders Producers. And I like it, I like it a lot (Jim Carrey anybody? No, fuck it, moving on).
And the Darwin factor worked out (with 3 hits and a RBI) too, didn't it? But let’s be honest here, this wasn’t some normal typical rest day for Travis, was it? Buck Martinez says they scheduled Darwin so that he won't get rusty sitting on the bench, and I get that Buck, but, I like to put on the ol' critical thinking ball cap, and I'm probably swinging at the sentences (I mean fences), but I say they are easing him into the lineup because he’s STILL very fresh off of that injury. ‘They’ don’t say it, but ‘you’ better fucking believe it, no?
Who plays two games in three days and then needs another rest day? Really? As Bob and Doug Mckenzie would say, ‘Take off, you hoser!’ And don’t think while you’re reading this that it’s because Stroman is a ground ball pitcher, and they wanted Darwin’s glove out there, and don’t give me the Snell is a lefty and they wanted Barney’s bat up their against the lefty thing too, so take off.
Why would you pull the bat out of Travis’s hands, seriously, why (even though it totally worked out in fucking awesome fashion tonight)? So since the Jays and Buck and the media won’t say it – I will. They are easing Travis back into the lineup because he’s not 100%, and that’s okay, I don't know why that is so hard to say. There I feel better now. Let's continue.
Oh yeah, Morales, umm, get ready for more of that too. So Cleveland take your Edwing * sigh *, never mind, it still kinda hurts - can't even make the joke. But Morales Fuck Yeah! Comin' again to save the motherfuckin' day yeah! No? Sure.
And Kevin Pillar, come on man, you can do it. You went 1 for 4 tonight after Souza tripped up on the foul, so you're 3 for 11 on the year. You can do it Kevin, right? I've got faith, because I want you to fucking hit so fucking badly. Go Kevin Go!
And to everyone who has been complaining about the Blue Jays bats and starting the year 0 -2, well, we won, so you better start planning the Yonge St. parade now too – ya hosers, take off, and relax. It’s April 6th, but we just fucking won. Cheers Hoser Nation. Our Birds Won.